天使与恶魔

承担,

这两个字真的有点深,又很奥妙。

前一个月，我因为这两个字而选择了退缩；

现在，也因为这两个字而勇敢了，

这时的我，选择了面对，

面对我该面对的责任，

认真的面对我的心，

不再为我那恶魔找借口了，

天使，

加油哦，我撑你！！！

成长之旅之“超人特训”

还记得是裕敏拉我去慈心营的。那时我还有一些顾虑，我一直都在参加北海佛教会的生活营。说起来算是佛教会的一分子，那样跑去参加慈心营，好吗？因为某因素，佛教会那边比较迟问我是否要成为辅导员。而，我只能参加其中一个。。。那时，真的挣扎了很久。过后，听了学长的一番话，深深起了忏愧之心。“我并不是属于哪一个佛教团体的，我是佛教徒，哪一个团体需要我，我就去哪一个团体。”听了这番话后再加上一点点的思考，才决定参加这营的。当然，答应后，心里还是觉得有点不安。第一次的会议，是硬着头皮进来的。看到了一些认识的人，他们问我为什么回来这营，佛教会的生活营怎么样，那时心里真的起了烦恼心。还好，他们只是问一下而已。大扫除时，我穿了佛教会小学生活营的衣服来打扫，还记得征扬说：“为什么你穿佛教会的衣来，是来踢馆的吗？”虽然我口头上说这只是衣服，但心里还是有一个刺。但还好，这刺在营结束后不见了。我还会介绍慈心营的好给全部人（包括佛教会的朋友）。

在营中，我或许学不到佛法上的知识，但是真的学到很多做人的道理。从我伙伴的身上，看到很多自己的不足。我是个还蛮会依赖别人的人。还记得，头头时，我不太想过堂吃饭的。她却二话不说答应了我她第一天会过堂吃饭，就感觉上我欺负她了。她又生病，又要过堂吃饭，有点不好意思让她一个人做那么多事。哪里知道到最后竟然是每一位辅导员都必须过堂吃饭。但是，从这事上，真的觉得她有那个妈妈的心，包容和温柔。很多事情她都给我尝试，也让我学习如何用慈爱心对待每一个人，让我学习如何与他人分享，让我知道初心，做每一件事的目的是很重要的，也让我发现到原来辅导员是要和营员打成一片。听到她去年做营长的压力，但却还愿意来慈心营，真的感动到我。我曾因为压力而不想再参加任何营，有时甚至营长打电话来问我，我还是编了个谎话来应付他们。一直因为逃不出那个阴影，而选择逃避所有的生活营。她那学会放下的心，放下执著，时时以一个空的杯子来面对每一件事情。

辅导长在最后跟我聊了很多，也慢慢的帮我建立起我的信心。或许我还是个新人，但我只需要把我所懂得东西分享给大家。还有，把专注力放在同一点，酱就能事半功倍。做任何事，都要回归最初的目的。很可惜，辅导长所说的话，我在营后的几天因为只靠着他所讲的话而起了烦恼之心。因为执著于他说的话，而开始对其他学长的意见产生了徘彻。坏心所法也开始相应了，欢喜心不见了。过后，仔细想想，他们只是给我意见而已，并非要我一味的跟从。最终还是观回自己的心，聆听自己的心声。每一个人都有他们各自的作风，我不需要学他们的作风，我是我自己，我也有我自己的作风。辅导长的优点我会学起来，但并非一味的学习，而是选择性的学习。

到了营的最后一天，我并没有不舍的心情。也没想过，明年是否还要来。或许我和居士林的因缘还不聚足。营员们好像都很希望明年还能看到我和我的伙伴。辅导长，明宝都好像希望明年能看到我。我却还没那个心，还有顾虑吧。就连7月23号的，我也是营员来问我是否会参与，我才因为感动而决定参与。我好像有点失败，感动到营员但却感动不到自己的心。我记得，我回家后，真的有想过，我是否明年还要来，最后的答案是我要带更多更多的学长和学弟来这营。感受到了他的好，也不能那么的自私，霸着空位不让其他人来学习。辅导员的位置真的能学到很多，希望大家也能变成有慈爱心的人。而我，还是等因缘聚足的时候。有因缘就能再见。成长之旅之“超人特训”。

近况

刚去完三个不同性质的生活营:像研修营的KDM，全营（比较像大学生的生活营）和慈心营（中学生活营）。回来后， 真的很法喜。也不知道怎样形容那种感觉，回来后就感觉到自己好像变了。觉得自己有那个责任，去把佛法延续下去。其实，在营中我的营员有问我：“姐姐，你明年还会再来吗？你7月23号会来帮忙吗？”那时，我真的停了以下。我不知道，我要不要继续为佛教奉献。对佛教的信心是有的，但信心还是有点不足，感觉上还差一点点。不知道，辅导长也问我有没有意愿回来帮忙。我也是笑笑而已。还放不下一些东西吧？

话说回来，去了那么多营，回来后就继续忙迎新会的东西。可能因为上次做课程组的阴影，我对他人的信任度也慢慢减低了。很多事情，我宁愿一个人自己扛。因为知道他们有工作在身，很怕如果没人带头，历史又会重演。真的很怕，那种心急的态度，一直想快点完成的心态。或许，她讲得对，我们是一队，每一件事都是分工合作才能完成的。并不是我自己一个人在撑。当我遇到瓶颈时 ，就是其他队友来帮忙我的时候了。或许，我应该学会如何相信其他人。

悲悯，欢喜和承担。这三个名词是三个很好的兄弟。一旦其中一个不见了，人生就会不快乐，做事情也会跟着压力起来了。在这过程中，我的欢喜心不见了。与其一直寻找它，不如以平常心面对问题。酱欢喜心自然也会回来了。与其一直找寻着我对每一件事情的平衡点，不如静下心来，慢慢的聆听自己的心声。不需要一直问学长们的意见，一切观照回自己的内心！

假期之旅

全营之心得报告

终于,完了。也回到家了。休息了几天，这几天真的完完全全的在休息。 >.< ，真的有点不精进咯。看着朋友，说着他们回到家的有所改变，而我只能苦笑。听着他们说很想很想回去全营，很想时光倒流，而我却一点感觉都没有。还记得，我最后一天时，是还蛮高心的。。。或许，是因为我在营时生病了，整个身体，精神都很累很累。连讲话的力气都没有，不知道是心里作用，还是真的是身心都疲累了。就比起来，我觉得KDM比较能让我学习。也不是说我比较这两个营的好坏，而是我个人成长的进度。至少我从KDM回来后，我有去翻翻成佛之道；全营后，我却一直回来睡觉。但，在全营真的让我发现自己很多不足的地方。发现了，又没有勇气去改变。。。惭愧。在最后一天，跟美婷聊了心里上的东西，他说我是个想太多的人。或许吧。。。他已经不是第一个那样讲我的人了。与其，一直想想想，不如狠下心，做那件事。如果真的错了，就当作学习咯。毕竟没有人是一生下来就成功的嘛。但是，又怕伤害到其他人。有时，真的宁愿自己一个人扛下所有的东西。一个人的生活真的很好很好，不需要去顾虑到别人。

全营，真的是一个很好很好学习成长的一个营。九天八夜，或许看起来很长。但，就因为酱长，我才能把自己的心平静下来。慢慢的观察回自己的心，也发现到自己很多不足的地方。虽然我在这次的营学不是很多东西（可能是因为生病的关系），但却在这营期间，观察到自己的内心。也把所学的佛学实践在这营内。大学生活营真的很不一样，学习得比较多，也慢慢的激起我对佛教的信心……加油^^

18-4-2011 (Monday)

Just like my last post , I still feeling that I don’t want to be senior … “Senior ” sound like very old , although I already being many people senior … Haha , but it also mean that I not a fresh man in USM already … Hehe , I will be dai dai ka jie … But , today I am going to talk about my PE life . It might be long a bit , but really meaningful to me . These are the proof that I had being grow up a lot.

From the start of the 1^st year , I just want to find out Buddhist society since Brother yi ming told me that USM Buddhist society can learn lots of things and yet I find it since I entered USM . But , at last I only found it when is 3^rd week after school start . Yup , it quite late but thank to yi ming , I finally participate the USM Buddhist society which we call PPB in USM . Hehe I meng meng dong dong de jiu become a PE (Penolong Exco) and because of this , I really learn lots of things . (Thank to my beloved two exco 1^st ).

From PPB , I learn that if we want to organize something , we must set an objective 1^st and after that we follow the objective to do the activity . Yup , I haven’t being trained like that before , and sorry to say that the activity I organize before , I feel quite meaningless . Last time , I just do only , I did not care about others feeling , I did not care about others situation , I did not care that whether they can learn something or not . What I did is , boss (pengarah , or camp chief) ask me to do a camp in order to success , then I did so only . Sorry for that , my last partner , I not mature enough and perhaps it did not burden u all .

I know those things but I wonder can I apply it when I back to BBA . I scare that there people sometimes cannot accept and at last I know I will give up to persuade them . ^^ , ya that is my behavior . I hope that I can change it through this ad hoc project (MO). It really a good chance for me to grow even faster , although quite impossible for me to handle this post well . When I agree to handle this post , I had a feel , the feeling is just like when cc ask me to be program member . That is what I haven’t try before and yet I sure that I will be grow up since I have to stand lots of stress . And I hope that I wouldn’t give up so easily just like what I did last time . This time is different , there are lots of friend to help me when I suffer . UNDER A DHAMMA ROOF , WE SHARE AND CARE . That is the slogan of PPB , and now all of us , PE apply it very well . Even some of us did not become exco , we still stick together and share the happiness and sadness with each other .

I still remember that when I participate the aktiviti kebajikan for the first time , got a senior called derrick ask all PE the reason we joined PE . That time, I answered that I want to learn something and yet he laugh at me. Hehe, it quite a serious and abnormal answer but it really come from my deep heart. And yet, at last I really learn lots of thing and derrick look like also found that I had change. ^^ , from lazy to learn Buddhism to become interest to know more. Although sometimes I will skip class , but at last I will not feel that dharma class is boring leh … ^^ , it is a change because I always sleep at class but when attend to dharma class I did not sleep at all (sometimes will take note). I not sure that whether my attitude got change or not , but I try my best to apply what I have learn in the real world . ^^ … I think today write till here 1^st lah . next time share again . I go study lo … bye bye

going to end my 1st year life

time pass so fast .. my 1st year life going to end soon .. i going to be ppl's senior ade ... arghh , y leh ... i dun like to be others senior , i want always young .. but i know , those things wun happen de .. ^^ , dun saja write only ...

recently , be naib pengarah of mo (minggu orientasi ) . i noe i cnt do it well , but i being forced to handle this post , coz they like to give chance for us to learn . i try my best to make sure my mission going well . But , there are nothing perfect , i found that i sometimes really feel very stress ... they want me think everything . Yup , is a very good chance to learn , but i need to grow up within two weeks ... really stress , i dun like that feeling . it seem like last year teenagers camp ,. Yup , cnt deny that i really grow up much , but i really dun like that feeling . WILL STRESS TILL ME KI SIAO . And at last , found that i learn skill only , how to manage my time , how to do a camp , bt not to manage my feeling ... I noe i have to find someone to console me , but sometimes really hard to find that person . The exco find me to slove the problem , but I ONLY FIRST YEAR STUDENT. I noe when i talk like that , they will feel that i not responsible enough ... that y , i keep silent , i waiting myself to ki siao ..

and yet , i go find pengarah to talk such things when i can manage my feeling well . Yup , i am that kind of person , i dun like to make others worry about me . Sometimes , i feel like want to give up, when they ask me want to handle this post or not , i ade noe , i cnt accept , i have the responsibility to do it well . yup , minggu orientasi is a big project , i dun1 to spoil it ... But , now . I pick up this post , whatever situation i have to face it .

^^ , exam is coming , but i still have the feel to writing these and those ... look like i really have much stress on this post ...

Anyway , gambateh !!!

p/s : next time write about my pe life

a brand new mood and day

long time din come here ade ..

may be i too busy with my activity

haha , may be i quite lazy , or i dun have any special mood to write

but now ,

i think i got something to write ade

i think this is the 1st time ,

i have the mood to join buddhist camp again .

i not sure y i have that feeling

but i can say

this coming holiday

i will go to ju shi lin to join camp

actually not to join camp lah ,

i to be fu tao yuan

this is what i decide in this sem ,

i wan continue to learn fo fa ,

after learn , i wish i can pass to the younger generation ,

no wonder got what obstacle ,

no wonder which association ,

no wonder i have how many friend at there ,

i duno y i will have those feeling ,

but i really hope that i can do so .

灯灯相续，还要传 ，

为了佛法，为了众生！